Jay Mohr is a Douchebag

With apologies to Fire Joe Morgan, this column by Jay Mohr in SI.com really deserves a proper analysis.

For the record, I used to like Jay Mohr – his Christopher Walken impression remains one of the funnier things I’ve ever heard, literally, and he was great in Jerry Maguire. One would think that, as someone reduced to Diet Pepsi commercials where he’s acting as an agent for…Diet Pepsi (I still don’t get it), he’d have a bit of humility. But no.

Here’s the lead-in:

Since the Oscars are upon us, I think it is only fitting that I present to you the sports version. Being the snarky cynic that I am, the awards will be based on failures, not successes, in the sports world. Remember, as opposed to the Oscars, whose motto is, "There are no losers," in the first Zero Awards, "There are no winners!"

Oh, Jay…are you a “snarky cynic?” This is roughly equivalent to people telling you that they are really funny. The most cynical people I know wouldn’t describe themselves that way, they’d call themselves “realistic.” And…is the Oscars’ motto really “there are no losers”? I’ve never heard that. Is this, potentially, an insanely thin reason for a column? Let’s read on:

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Chad Pennington

You would think that being an injury-prone quarterback and undergoing two shoulder surgeries would humble a guy. Not Chad. The Jets wisely asked Pennington to take a paycut (granted, a HUGE one) because of the uncertainty of his twice-operated on throwing shoulder. Chad would receive $1 million just in case he was never able to throw a football again. He passed. Bad move, Chad. We all thought you were smarter than that. It was you who once said, "It is important to have character, not be a character." You could have shown the organization that insured your grandchildren's wealth that you were a man of good character and EARNED your next few paychecks until proving your shoulder was structurally sound. Not too many teams are interested in a soft-throwing quarterback who has been cut on more than an Erik B and Rakim record. The Jets, for once, actually did the right thing, and you, my friend, did not. For that, Chad Pennington gets A ZERO!

This kills me. I mean, really – REALLY – kills me. Chad isn’t holding out, he’s asking to live up to his contract. When players force contract renegotiations, folks like Mohr take them to the cleaners. When they merely ask to abide by their contract, apparently that’s not okay either. So, what Mohr is saying is that he’ll always side with management, regardless. To Mohr, the risk the Jets took on by giving a fragile QB a long-term contract is something they shouldn’t adhere to, and Pennington should just take far, far less money because he’s a “character” guy. Look, it would be one thing if Pennington was, like Daunte Culpepper, asking for more money while injured. But he’s not. He’s asking for the money the Jets already told him he’d get. Oh, and the Erik B and Rakim reference? God, Jay Mohr, that’s really forced.

MOST USELESS PROP: The Wonderlic test

So Vince Young reportedly scores a six on the NFL version of the SAT. I think it is safe to assume that a quarterback should score higher than his jersey number on any test. The question I pose to you is, Does this test matter at all in gauging the performance you will get out of a player on Sundays? I want my quarterback reading defenses, not Chaucer. I may be a purist but I want my players to have football smarts, not book smarts. If we begin placing too much importance on the results of the Wonderlic test, athletes may be forced to actually attend classes and learn things. Shudder. When Young takes his Wonderlic test for the third time, may I suggest he scrawl "National Champion" where his name should appear. On the SATs this is worth a quick 200 points. The Wonderlic gets A ZERO!

This is a classic bad sports-writing gambit: make fun of something you don’t understand and shrug it off as being “just folks.” (Actually, it’s what President Bush does as well.) The Wonderlic is pretty easy (at least the questions I’ve seen) but it does do a few things well – determine how someone does under pressure (the 15-minute timed component seems to elude sportscasters everywhere) and sets a baseline for mental acuity. Mohr writes, “I want my quarterback reading defenses, not Chaucer.” Set aside the fact that most intelligent quarterbacks could do both, and understand that the Wonderlic is supposed to gauge exactly that – on the fly, will Vince Young be able to recognize shifting defenses, or will he panic and try to run the ball like he was always able to get away with doing in college? Mohr presumably actually knows this, unless he’s really, really dumb, which would mean he’d score lower than Vince Young on this test. God, I hate Jay Mohr right now.

WORST ACTOR IN A LEAVING ROLE: Frank Thomas

It turns out The Big Hurt was a Big Pain In The Ass. After griping that the World Champion White Sox (I can't believe I just wrote that) weren't offering him the money he deserved, Thomas was "fired" for $3.5 million. That's guaranteed, folks, and I don't know about you, but if someone paid me half that much to leave the building, I certainly wouldn't air dirty laundry on the way out. Thomas didn't burn his bridge with the White Sox, he blew it up and then spit in the river. Thomas called out everyone but the bat boys. I had never seen Sox GM Kenny Williams before. This week he was on TV more than reruns of Full House, but funnier. Williams looks like he could be a bit of a big hurt himself, certainly not the type of guy I would want to piss off. Williams' response to Thomas' comments about the organization were bleeped more than an episode of Action (now available on DVD, by the way ... sorry couldn't help it). For that, Frank Thomas gets A ZERO!

Let’s just see here…it’s okay for Frank Thomas to take his guaranteed money from the White Sox, but not Chad Pennington? Why…exactly? Let’s leave that behind and I’ll agree that the Big Hurt was a weasel here. And if Mohr is correct that there are a lot of reruns of Full House the sheer fact that he knows that tells me more about how sad his daily life has become. I’ll let slide his self-promoting mention of Action though…from what I hear, it was a great show.

WORST CHARACTER: Marcus Vick

This one wasn't even close. After Vick was suspended for an entire season, Virginia Tech gave Vick one more chance. But he accumulated three warrants for nine traffic violations and he stomped on a Louisville players' leg during a bowl game earlier this year. The Hokies said Okie Dokie and then Vick allegedly decided to show a group of teenagers his finest sidearm. This guy sees more cops than Bobby Brown. For that, Marcus Vick gets A ZERO!

Marcus Vick is a douchebag. (Just like Jay!) This seems fairly certain. I’m just saying…doesn’t Mohr use an AWFUL lot of exclamation points for an adult male? Are we sure this isn’t being ghostwritten by a fifteen year old girl? I’m just asking!!!!!

Jay Mohr has done some good work, and I’d actually be interested in his book that he’s apparently written or writing about how awful his time on SNL was. (Must have been really bad, because not only do I not remember ever seeing him, but in the book I just read on SNL, he wasn’t even referred to, let alone interviewed.) But his gig as a sportswriter is clearly a gift from someone, perhaps a family friend, at Sports Illustrated. I’d merely suggest he re-gift it, presumably to someone who deserves to be a peer of Peter King, Rick Reilly and Tom Verducci.