LIV Captain's Speeches
LIV is about team golf. So what are those teams like?
OK, first a disclaimer - this article wasn’t my idea, but instead suggested by my friend Parker. But it’s so dumb that I found it impossible to avoid.
As you (may) know, LIV Golf is a team sport - there are 48 golfers on 12 teams, and each team has a (ridiculous) name and a team captain. All we really know now is that the captain gets a higher share of any team winnings and like most things in golf, it’s almost ONLY about money.
But … what if those teams actually cared? (Memo: They don’t, except for the money.) What if in between rounds, they had meetings in the locker room where the team leaders tried to rally their team around them, to motivate them and get the very best out of each of them? To, in some manner, grow the game?
Let’s take a look at the teams, and for some of them, hypothesize at what that speech might be like.
Dustin Johnson (captain)
Patrick Reed
Talor Gooch
Pat Perez
Yeah, we’re starting with the “4 Aces.” The idea of Dustin Johnson giving a pre-game speech is so silly it was the entire genesis of this post. For those who don’t know, DJ is one of the most laid back golfers in history. He has claimed to not know what putter he uses, which is bonkers for the exactitude most golfers demand.
He’s also a bit of a legendary partier - rumors that he missed The Masters one year not because of falling down stairs but because of a suspension over cocaine remain rampant - and had this meme-able moment after last years Ryder Cup, when asked if he could keep up (in terms of drinking) with his younger teammates:
Ah those were better times.
ANYWAY, his coaching speech would inevitably go something like this:
“So, um, Patrick - I mean … get it done. Anyway possible, I guess? I mean, don’t cheat or anything - you know - but get it done. Gooch, your name cracks me up, man. Like, what’s up with that? Also, who are you again? And Pat - whoa, dude, I just realized half our team is named Pat. That’s like 25, 30%, right? Wow. Anyway, Pat #2, you’re welcome. Please don’t ask me to dance with you on the plane again.”
Martin Kaymer (captain)
Graeme McDowell
Laurie Canter
David Puig (AM)
Bryson DeChambeau (captain)
Paul Casey
Charles Howell III
Shaun Norris
Ah, Bryson DeChambeau as a captain. So delicious. BDC isn’t laid back - at ALL - but he’s also an unusual guy in a lot of ways, and perhaps (until or unless Cam Smith does join up) the guy who maybe put the most on the line in terms of legacy by joining the PGA. But maybe not. Let’s listen in.
“What’s up, my brosephs?” (Long awkward silence.) “Anyway, I was doing a TikTok hashtag challenge with my crew, and we were thinking that we could walk out and do this dance. It’s SUPER popular right now and we could easily go viral. (Even longer, more awkward silence.) ANYHOW, Paul, I know you’re British right, so even though I’m smarter than you, you SOUND smarter than me so maybe you should do the talking at the press conference? It’s easy for you to explain why you - and you too, Chuckie Three Sticks - like, you know, why you’re here. You guys are as old as my dad! Anyway, my analysis suggested I was unlikely to win another major. I mean, NONE of you guys have ever won one, I know - Shaun - it’s Shaun, right? - your record is SO FUNNY in majors! We laughed a lot about that back at my house with the guys I pay to be my friends! And Paul, it’s SO funny that folks still think you’re going to win one! Did I mention how OLD you are? Hilarious. Anyway, I’m super glad you guys are my new best friends. It’s so cool. Let’s go CRUSH this thing. Get it? Cause we’re Crushers? Man, it’s so great when friends don’t even have to laugh out loud because they are just on the same page. I love you guys. So, so much. Anyone have some protein powder?”
Sergio Garcia (captain)
Abraham Ancer
Carlos Ortiz
Eugenio Lopez-Chacarra
“You guys, I’m so mad! I specifically asked for sparkling water at breakfast and it was flat. FLAT! I can’t FUCKING WAIT TO GET OFF THIS TOUR and show Jay Monih — wait. Goddamnit. That’s right. I already did that. Who can I blame for my horrible misfortunes now? (looks around) Hey, what are you guys doing here?”
Phil Mickelson (captain)
Bernd Weisberger
Matthew Wolff
Justin Harding
The hollowed shell of man that once housed the soul of Phil Mickelson speaks:
“Guys, hi. Listen, I short sold this team on a black market betting site so whatever you do, please DO NOT WIN. Feel free to HIT BOMBS. That’s our move, especially me and Matthew. Bernd and Justin, let me know when you can hit a 300 yard drive on demand. Anyway, please don’t wildly exceed expectations and win. You got paid, right? You’re welcome. I built this thing. And I really don’t want to have an awkward conversation with MBS. Cool? Cool.
Kevin Na (captain)
Sadom Kaewkanjana
Phachara Khongwatmai
Scott Vincent
“Guys, it’s time to WIN AT ALL COSTS. WAAC! That’s so wack! Get it? Anyway, they’re my sponsor and they make truly awful clothing and I think it would be super cool if ALL of us walked in our putts. You cool with that? You guys don’t have a brand, I do, and this is really important stuff.”
Lee Westwood (captain)
Ian Poulter
Henrik Stenson
Sam Horsfield
Lee Westwood is many things, and used to be one of my favorite golfers, but I can’t imagine him doing well here. But what really sticks out to me is the fact that most of this team is fairly old, and then there’s Sam Horsfield. So here’s Lee:
“Sam, are you sure you are in the right place? We are the Majesticks. Isn’t that a cool way to spell it, mate? Anyway, Ian, Henrik and I were going to talk about our Ryder Cup exploits, the price of prescription drugs, lower back pain and those meddling kids on our front lawn. So remind me again, why are you here? Also, can you be a dove and go get me my slippers?”
Hudson Swafford (captain)
Peter Uihlein
James Piot
Turk Pettit
One of these guys is Hudson Swafford. I’m honestly not sure who it is.
“Hey guys, it’s Hudson. What’s that? No, for the last time I’m NOT Harris English. Anyway, someone told me they couldn’t choose ANY of us out of a lineup and that’s crazy? Peter wears a bucket hat for gosh sakes. Anyway, Greg told me we’ll all be able to play in all the majors and on the PGA Tour so I believe him and isn’t it crazy that we also get free money over here? Hoo golly. Anyway, what time is it? Anyone have the time?
Hideto Tanihara (captain)
Ryosuke Kinoshita
Yuki Inamori
Jinichiro Kozuma
Wade Ormsby (captain)
Matt Jones
Travis Smyth
Jediah Morgan
“Guys, once again my name is Wade. I honestly don’t know why I’m a captain. Listen, I hope we all got really good checks because any tournament could be our last when they sign guys anyone has ever heard of before. Don’t fuck this up.”
Louis Oosthuizen (captain)
Charl Schwartzel
Branden Grace
Hennie Du Plessis
Brooks Koepka (captain)
Jason Kokrak
Richard Bland
Chase Koepka
“Listen up - fuck each and everyone one of you. Yes that includes you, L’il Bro. Don’t you know what an alpha I am? I’m like SO alpha. Fuck all you betas. Dick - like what the hell is your deal? I’m supposed to like you because you’re old? Kokrak, look - you’re a big dude, I don’t want to fight or anything, but what frat did you pledge? I think you might be a pussy. Chase, once again you’re welcome. Glad you, like me, are set for life. Now go find a bikini model to marry like I did. Also, I’m pretty pissed that that NERD Bryson got “Crushers” and I didn’t even get “Punch” so I want us all to think of ourselves like the Hulk and SMASH. Not like that dumb scientist he is sometimes but that big green motherfucker. SMASH! WE SMASH! To sum up, I hate everybody - and that includes all of you.”
Unrelated, I just saw this tweet and it made me laugh, so I’m sharing it:
Thanks for indulging the madness. Onto another day of wondering when the PGA Tour will implode.