Meet The Douche Nozzle

In an expanding series, the Reign of Error remains committed to pointing out the douchenozzles you should be aware of. In my first post in this series, Roger Clemens was kindly profiled for being, well...a douche nozzle.

(It's worth acknowledging that the title of this series owes a debt to Mr. Adam Carolla, who on his radio show opined that really, the nozzle was worse than the douchebag, since the bag collected all the nasty stuff, but the nozzle did all the dirty work. Anyhow, "douchebag" is still an excellent retort, but perhaps a bit played out.)

Anyhow, a Presidential candidate wins this award this week, hands-down. Is it the flip-floppity Mitt Romney, who will say just about anything without remorse? Is it the cousin-marrying, very unserious Rudy Giuliani? Perhaps it's someone closer to my side of the aisle, the rabid and always annoying Hilary Clinton? Or...perhaps...someone else? Check it, yo.

This week's Douche Nozzle is none other than actor candidate Freddie Thompson. Mr. Thompson is in some corners considered the "true conservative" in this race, the savior to those who still believe that Bush and Cheney are doing good work. And in that regard, Thompson is playing his cards perfectly to that crowd. This week, he finally announced that he was actually running for President, which was about as shocking as finding out that Britney Spears didn't actually stay a virgin. The problem is...Freddie is simply not a serious candidate. He is just a politician.

And that's the problem with GWB, isn't it? He's never wanted to do the hard work, he "has people" for that -- dumb, incompetent people with their own agendas, as it turns out, but people nonetheless. In his announcement (which he chose to do while the other candidates were holding a debate, talking about issues), and his subsequent interviews, Thompson laid out these gems:

"If you're politically committed against this war and to do something to further harm the president, the way the Democrats seem to be in Congress, then anything [in the Petraeus Report] that's a mixed message is going to be seized upon in a negative way," Thompson told Fox News on Thursday.

"If we look weak and divided in this country, we're going to pay a heavy price for it in the future," he went on. "We're living in the era of the suitcase bomb. And they're not going to go away. They're here now, they're armed and dangerous, and they're trying to get weapons of mass destruction."

Lovely. Dissent is un-American and likely to get us blown up. There's simply nothing about that quote that isn't what a good, solid fascist would say. DOUCHENOZZLE.

And, proving he's just interested in sounding like a President rather than thinking about how to solve world problems, he later added, when asked what he would do about terrorism if he were president today, he said:

We'd better figure out a way to contain it.

Good god. Yes, this is exactly what we need - a candidate who took the longest amount of time to enter the race but hasn't apparently even thought about ways to solve what one would expect he'd think of as the #1 problem facing the country today.

He also waffled on Osama Bin Laden, alternately stating that:

Clearly he's there, clearly he's somewhere on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border and clearly he's giving orders.

and, just days before...

Thompson downplayed the impending release of a new video from terrorist leader Osama bin Laden.

"Bin Laden is more symbolism than anything else," he said. "I think it demonstrates to people once again that we're in a global war."

Note that these two quotes were two days apart. As noted by MyDD, it's not unlike a Republican politician to use fear mongering on one hand and dismiss the same cause on the other, but it's usually best not to do those same things within 48 hours.

My problem with Freddie is that, at the end of the day, I want a serious president. We don't have one now, and the results have been a disaster. I want someone competent, committed to a vision that he (or, I suppose, she) can eloquently and accurately convey to the public here in the US and the world, and who can execute on those goals and aspirations. Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney have NONE of that. Ron Paul might be the only GOP candidate who actually does.

Fred Thompson, congratulations! You are the Douche Nozzle of the Week!

As always, the entire series of Douche Nozzles can be found here: