Newark Airport Security: Joke Of The Week
It’s been awhile since I updated this blog, and while I’m hesitant to return here simply to bitch, moan and complain, I feel reassured that at the end of the day, that’s what most blogs are for in the first place.
This post is motivated by yet another disastrous adventure through a security line at the airport. A few years ago – seven to be exact – I posted about a joke of an experience at Las Vegas’ McCarran Airportthat is of course well worth your read.
Outrageous, egregious...totally preposterous!
(Side note: Is it not PREPOSTEROUS that it’s been more than seven years since we’ve been blindly taking our shoes off at the airport, because one guy tried andfailed to light his shoes on fire mid-flight? Answer: YES. It’s preposterous and pathetic, and totally moronic – and yes, I know that sounds like JackieChiles, and I’m okay with that.)
Flash forward to Monday morning when I flew out of SFO to Newark, and security was … blissful. It turns out that SFO, like many other airports (foreshadowing alert!), is testing out something called PRE. PRE is much like CLEAR, which is a way for folks to bypass the stringent security lines and leave their shoes, belt, jacket on, keep their toiletries in their bag, etc. My understanding is that when it’s implemented, in order to qualify for PRE you need to go through some background checks, etc., just to make sure that some bad actors aren’t avoiding security checks. But, because airports aren’t really concerned with making our lives easier but instead making THEIR lives easier, one of the main motivations here is making the security lines faster for everybody – presumably they can also hire less folks to work security as this occurs.
So, SFO needs to see if PRE does, in fact, make things move faster and what kinks in the system they’d need to iron out before a complete rollout. Let’s called it PRE Beta. As a result, a few lucky folks simply get waived through without any headaches. I was shocked on Monday, and even tweeted about it:
At SFO - security didn't want me to take laptop or toiletries out, kept shoes, belt and jacket on. Return to normalcy? Refreshing.
— greebs (@greebs) December 15, 2014
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I didn’t know what was up but discussed with a few folks later to understand – and that’s when it became gloriously clear how idiotic our security protocols are. I got waived straight through security. My shoes were on, my belt was on, and even my winter jacket (admittedly, a thin one – I’m from California) was on.
If these things are so important to remove – and we’ve been yelled at for years to TAKE THEM OFF for security – then why is it acceptable to simply ignore this for random chunks of passengers at a time?
That seems like a huge risk – until you realize that it must NOT be one, or they wouldn’t do this.
Folks call this “security theater” which drives home how much of what we’ve come to expect at the airport is nothing but window dressing and staging to make us FEEL safer, even though it almost assuredly doesn’t add anything past what the metal detectors already provide.
But anyway – it was glorious. I loved it. If security theater is the new reality, and it obviously is, well ... I’ll probably pay for PRE going forward.
Then … I arrived at Newark this afternoon to return home. A few things here – there’s nothing nice about Newark Airport - it recently was awarded the 4th worst airport in the world by Skytrax, who cited long security lines as one of the chief consistent complaints. Awesome stuff, Newark. I arrived hours early because I expect misery. So, it’s not like I arrived at the airport expecting puppy dogs and ice cream.
The first headache was that one of the two main security lines was closed. I only knew this after interrupting the two women working at that line who were busy in a private conversation. I asked where I was supposed to go. The first woman shrugged.
She shrugged. If that isn’t the KEY part of her job at that moment, nothing is. The other woman told me to walk up the stairs and turn to the left. Naturally there was more to it than that but I’ve been here before so I found the next security line which was, as expected, seriously crowded.
I got to the back of the line – and then noticed that there was a placard up for Premier customers, of which I am one. So, I left the line and started towards that – only to be told by the folks working there that “THERE IS ONLY ONE LINE SIR, NO PREMIER LINE TODAY.”
I mentioned that they should probably remove the Premier placard then, because now the line was going to move slower with people leaving it to jump ahead, then having to go to the back of the line. I got nothing but blank stares. Either they didn’t understand that they were making a bad situation worse or didn’t care.
This was the first of many dumbfounding decisions the team made in the security line that increased the line instead of the opposite.
Look at this picture and ask yourself why an entire lane is empty. It’s because NOBODY knew where to go. This was for two main reasons:
a) Nobody told any of us where to go.
b) All the security team there instead just spent time SCREAMING at us to go where they hadn’t told us to go.
I know that doesn’t make sense.
Finally, I got past the kind individual who examined my boarding pass and ID and then stood in line. At which point, another security guard came up to me and SCREAMED – I’m prone to hyperbole, but not here – at me “TO THE LEFT, SIR! This line is for Employees ONLY!”
(Do I need to mention there was no indication of such and that the employees only line was directly behind the ID check, making it the most natural place for me to go?)
And hey, it turns out that Newark is testing out PRE as well! But instead of what they did at SFO, at Newark they just seemed to expect folks to know what to do and were FURIOUS at them for not all having E.S.P.
“SIR! DO NOT REMOVE YOUR BELT! ONLY REMOVE YOUR BELT IF YOU HAVE A LARGE METAL BUCKLE! LET’S GO! THIS LINE WILL TAKE FOREVER IF YOU DON’T REMOVE YOUR METAL! DON’T REMOVE ANYTHING ELSE!”
I’m paraphrasing here, but it was laughable. I know this because we all started laughing at the security team (who didn’t much appreciate it.)
They clearly had NO idea what to do or more importantly how to do this.
Look, I’m judgy. I’m Judge McJudgy. But … this isn’t hard. The amount of studies that have gone into how to reduce traffic, improve egress and the like, are countless. I’m no expert, but I would assume that chief among the things that have to be done is to make it VERY CLEAR to people how to navigate through an area to clear it out. It was almost impressive how much of an abject failure Terminal C at Newark is and was.
Also? I have zero idea why at an airport bordering New York, it’s fine to just waive through so many people without security. I’ve been told for 13+ years that New York is different, that because New York matters more than anywhere else, different protocols exist. I believe and trusted this because I understand where that comes from. And of course, I’m a perfectly fine person to waive through security because in fact, I pose no threat. All I want to do is get into my seat on a flight, read my Kindle or work on my laptop and avoid talking to anyone. But clearly others ARE threats. The world IS a dangerous place. So why are we beta-testing security protocols a few miles away from Ground Zero? It absolutely eradicates my trust in why any of this is necessary. A few Google searches on security theater yield stats and articles that make it even clearer how silly this all is - the fact that we don't screen 50% of luggage checked, etc. Click and expand on the infographic below for some really humbling data points that will enrage you on your next flight. (You're welcome!)
I’d love a return to normalcy. I’d also love someone at Newark Airport to take a remedial class in Operational Excellence.
A man can dream.