Which Pro Golfers should be playing with Infomercial Products?
Let's call this The Sepp Straka Principle
A few weeks ago, Austrian golfer Sepp Straka won his first tournament ever, at the Honda Classic in Florida.
We could spend time talking about the Strength of Field (the second worst of the year, only ‘bested’ by the AT&T Pebble Beach, which saw many top golfers taking guaranteed money over in Saudi Arabia - with the Honda, they just flat out skipped it). But the more relevant thing is … Sepp won this while wearing SQAIRZ shoes. You KNOW they’re cool because of the way they intentionally mispell the name!
For those who don’t watch a ton of golf, these are shoes that are (constantly) advertised on TV or YouTube, often by SIR Nick Faldo, and claim to add distance to your shots. That’s right, the shoes you wear can reportedly add distance.
It got me wondering … what other nonsensical informercial golf products would be good pairings for PGA golfers?
The Square Strike Wedge
What is it with the word square and these products? Never mind that - this is the “chipper” to help folks from chunking or blading their wedges. Here’s the insane commercial that I’ve seen way too many times.
This match is fairly easy. Because despite his greatness in literally every other part of the game, Viktor Hovland is a disgrace around the green. He’s second to dead last in Strokes Gained in this category, losing almost a stroke per round. The only guy belong him is Bo Hoag, and he’s not nearly as fun to imagine using a Square Strike Wedge than this guy:
Hey, do you think this is harsh? Let’s see what Viktor has to say about this part of his game:
The (T)Less Driver.
This one is harder to find video of, but it’s hawked by Notah Begay, and states that it’s longer than your driver and easier to hit than your 3-wood. It’s for hitting with or without a tee, hence the “name” which, of course, is spelled CraZy because it’s COOL. (Eagle eyes will note that there’s a 13 on it, suggesting that it’s 13 degrees of loft - which would make it NOT a driver, it’s basically a 2.5 wood.) Honestly, everyone on tour is fairly good, but I’d be crazy not to award this to new Ryder Cup captain Zach Johnson, just for this:
The Stand Up Putter.
We’ve actually seen folks like former pitcher John Smoltz use this in celebrity tournaments - but what about on the PGA?
Well, the guy in dead last Strokes Gained putting is Hot Charl Schwartzel, who has started wearing THIS hat and is generally worth mocking.
That said, Charl somehow won The Masters, and it feels like there’s probably someone who also stinks at putting and really, really goes out of his way to try and find the line … ah, we got it:
Yup, Camilo Villegas - who does this because one cannot actually lie on the putting surface or he would for sure do that - despite this impressive display of flexibility still ends up 207th in Strokes Gained putting, losing almost a full stroke each round. He NEEDS the Stand Up Putter, so he can put it down, adjust it, walk behind it and figure out his line. This is truly a match made in heaven - though Camilo may need to find some new stretching routines to stay loose.
The Hammer X Driver. This one is considered the great granddaddy of golf informercials, and can be seen in all of its glory right here:
The guy who screams POW! after impact is a goddamned hero. And we’re back to looking at Strokes Gained off the tee to find who this could help the most. There are a decent number of names here, but way towards the bottom, losing three strokes a tournament (.7 strokes/round) is Patrick Reed. Now, his wife Justine (or, cough, whoever operates useGOLFfacts on Twitter) wants to argue that Patrick’s stats are being willfully manipulated by the tour to reward “their boys” but we’re gonna trust the data.
Look, can’t you just feel the synergy with Reed using the Hammer X Driver? And maybe also screaming POW! after he ties into one? I think Justine might also be his agent, and she should really look into this. Could it really hurt?
