The Amateurs: A Novel by John Niven

If I told you that The Amateurs: A Novel by John Niven was a novel about golf, many of you would stop listening immediately. And it's really not about golf though the sport plays an important role. But Niven had the same issue when pitching this book, as told in an interview tucked into the nice "P.S." section of this book:

If you play golf, you forget what a dirty word it is to a lot of people. So gradually I started pitching the book as being about "murder, adultery, contract killing, drug dealing, and golf," and funnily enough, everyone seemed much happier.

And The Amateurs is indeed about all those things, and it's quite a fun ride.

The protagonist is Gary Irvine, a man sadly celebrating his birthday by shanking golf balls at a driving range (his wife, Pauline, who is cheating on him, gave him a gift certificate at the Pro Shop), and trying to avoid the realities of a generally unsatisfying life. In fact, the one thing that he thinks gives him happiness - golf - is as frustrating and maddening as anything. (All golfers reading this are nodding their heads right now.)

In fact, in no short time, we find Gary sobbing in his car - despite spending countless dollars and hours on golf, he still stinks and can't seem to improve. A friend takes heart and brings him out to the course where they start practicing, and in fact, Gary swings a perfect 6-iron and hits an amazing shot -- just as another golfer's errant shot results in Gary getting beaned in the skull with a golf ball, sending him into a coma.

When he awakes, his muscle memory is locked on that perfect shot, and Gary has suddenly become a fantastic golfer, so much that he sheds his handicap in a record amount of time. On the downside, the head injury has also left him with Tourette's Syndrome and another condition I'll leave to you to discover. What results is a seriously fun ride as Gary begins qualifying for the British Open, while trying to stop swearing and insulting his fellow golfers and patrons with the filthiest mouth on the course.

Of course, this book's title is plural - and the other amateurs notably include his thug brother Lee, who gets himself into serious trouble with gangster Ranta Campbell (who is also a big golf fan), as well as Gary's wife Pauline, a character developed perfectly for the readers to enjoy hating.

The book is quite fun (and I'm happy to see it's been optioned as a film because it's made for it), but if I have one complaint, it's that Niven writes the Scottish brogue in phonetic, making some passages almost impossible to read. One sampling:

"...so she's goat aw this meat she'd forgotten wis in there scattered aw over the kitchen flair -- she disnae think for a minute tae call ye and tell ye she's gonnae be late, naw, no oor Sadie - she's goat aw this newspaper doon tae soak up the water, I says tae her, Sadie, whit the bloody hell ur ye daeing defrosting yer freezer when ye know we're gauin up taie Glasgow? Och, she says, ah didnae think it'd take long! Is she no aff her suffering heed?"

If that's difficult, I can say that it gets easier as you get more used to it ... but it's quite a hurdle and one that I think really isn't necessary. I've had writing teachers say this is sloppy writing, and others point out that even if I try to read it in a Scottish brogue -- I'm from Northern California, so it's not really going to work anyhow. I'd much rather just have the characters use local expressions (Is she not off her suffering head?) rather than make me slow down my reading to try and decipher what often looks like code.

However, Niven has written a very fun novel that should appeal to golfers and non-golfers alike, and is well worth your time if you are in the mood for a really enjoyable read. Well done.

Rating: 7.5/10/0

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