The Best Names In The NFL (Defense)
Let's find the best names - if not the best players - on defense
We have previously looked at the best names on the offensive side of the ball in the NFL - now we’re gonna look at the defense.
With the defensive line, we’ll be taking two defensive ends, and two interior linemen, and three linebackers. We run a 4-3 scheme over here, folks.
Defensive End: Let’s start with two guys who have great nicknames - Demarcus “Tank” Lawrence and Takkarist McKinley who just goes by Takk. Neither of them make the cut, but for different reasons. One, Tank Lawrence doesn’t tend to go by this nickname and Demarcus Lawrence is a good but not elite name. And Takk McKinley may actually not be in the league by the time you read this. I will, however, always love the dude for bringing a framed photo of his grandmother to Draft Day, who passed away before he was drafted but raised him and made him promise to get his life in order. Which he did.
I also would love to give this to Raiders DE Maxx Crosby, because when you SAY that name out loud, it’s terrific. But that second X in the name is a disqualifier. I won’t stand for it. One guy who DOES make the list is Trey Flowers, who is currently a free agent after being waived by the Lions but will undoubtedly sign somewhere soon. His birth name is Robert Lee Flowers III, which is also fairly tremendous. And I’d like to give a nod to the simple but effective Chase Young, but I just can’t. Because Josh Sweat is just sitting there, in Philadelphia, waiting for his name to be called. Sadly for Josh, that’s not going to happen … because his brother, Montez Sweat is our choice here. (Note: his full name is Shaquan Montez Sweat, which means he COULD be Shaq Sweat if he wanted, and that’s also a slamdunk here.) Montez Sweat and Trey Flowers, come on down.
Defensive Tackle: Our interior defensive linemen are a rich repository of fantastic names. I had no idea. Outstanding players like Fletcher Cox and Grady Jarrett are attractive choices. I also love the names of Grover Stewart and Poona Ford, but none of these guys quite make the list. I was leaning towards D.J. Reader since I’m a big book nerd, but … I found out D.J. is a nickname for David … Vernon Reader. I don’t know how you get D.J. from that, but it’s not right. And I’m not gonna lie - I’m a bit obsessed with reserve Bronco lineman McTelvin Agim. That’s a first ballot first name - it’s the last name that ends up being problematic for me. McTelvin? Wow. Instead, we are going with two players whose names are pure delight to say out loud - Vita Vea and Star Lotulelei. Vea is basically a refrigerator who can run the 40 in 5.0 seconds or so, and Lotulelei is actually named Starlite Lotulelei, Jr. I can’t improve on that, so I’m stopping.
Linebacker: We have a lot of choices here, as for some teams, linebackers essentially serve as defensive ends. We have dueling Shaqs (Barrett and Lawson), and some solid names like Darius Leonard, Harold Landry, and Leonard Floyd. With all respect to Leonards and Landrys everywhere, it’s not quite enough to make the cut here. Instead, we are going with Haason Reddick, Josey Jewell and Tyus Bowser. I will take no questions on this.
Cornerback: Our exercise started here, and we’ve already chosen Sauce Gardner (team TBD) as a mortal lock. Newly signed Charvarius Ward is a solid candidate, but let’s see who else is lurking. And…sorry, Charvarius, but I have bad news. You’re not making the cut here. Guys like Darius Slay, Adoree Jackson and Rock Ya-Sin (who literally got traded as I was writing this) make strong cases. But joining Sauce Gardner is … Greedy Williams. Sauce and Greedy. You can’t improve on this.
Safety: At safety, I have to at least start with this because apparently I’m the only one old enough to remember that the character Chauncey Gardiner was played by Peter Sellers in Being There. That makes Chauncey Gardner-Johnson a personal favorite, even if he won’t win here. I love the name Derwin James, mostly because it reminds me a lot of De La Soul, and the simplicity of Chuck Clark is a strong, strong candidate. An honorable mention goes to Minkah Fitzpatrick, but he falls short of our winners, Budda Baker and Darnell Savage. When you can have the yin and yang balance of Budda and Savage, you simply have to do it.
Special Teams: I think if I was famous and needed an alias to check into a hotel with, I’d choose Joey Slye. He’s our kicker. For our punter, I thought about Tress Way or Pressley Harvin III, because let’s be clear - those are absurd names. But I’m going with standby Bryan Anger because it’s just a great, great name. And you might think we would skip Long Snapper, but that’s crazy talk. Also, there are some world class names here. Taybor Pepper, Jake McQuaide and Beau Brinkley (who should have been an anchorman) but I’m gonna go with Camaron Cheeseman. Despite the crazy way he spells his first name, this team needs a Cheeseman, and now has one.
So, our defense is:
Defensive Line: Trey Flowers, Montez Sweat, Vita Vea and Star Lotulelei
Linebacker: Haason Reddick, Josey Jewell and Tyus Bowser
Cornerback: Sauce Gardner and Greedy Williams.
Safety: Budda Baker and Darnell Savage
Special Teams: Joey Slye, Bryan Anger and Camaron Cheeseman
Thanks for indulging this truly silly exercise.